By: Angee Costa
The Silent Struggle
Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate. It affects people of all genders, races, and socioeconomic backgrounds. Yet, when we hear the term “domestic violence,” the image that often comes to mind is that of a woman suffering at the hands of a male partner. While this is a serious and undeniable reality, it is only one side of the story. Men are victims of domestic abuse, too—but they are far less likely to report it. They suffer in silence, often enduring physical, emotional, and psychological abuse with nowhere to turn. This silence isn’t due to a lack of pain or suffering; rather, it stems from deep-rooted societal beliefs, stigma, and legal challenges that make seeking help an uphill battle.
It’s time for that to change.
The Double Standard: A Story That Shook Me
I had the honor of writing the foreword to CJ Coley’s book, Behind Closed Doors: The Untold Truth of an Abused Husband—a powerful book that exposes the painful and overlooked reality of male victims of domestic violence. This book is a must-read for anyone who wants to understand the issue and fight for change. In it, I told the story of a lunch date with an old friend and former colleague. When I asked about her husband, she gave the strangest and most bone-chilling reply, “We’re not together anymore. I haven’t seen him in months, girl. I burned him up!”l I couldn’t believe that this woman who everyone loved, who had once been my right hand at work, who was sweet and funny, would resort to violence against her husband that was nowhere close to self-defence. After all, he was asleep when she attacked. There was no indication that such a thing was going on behind their closed doors.
In the book, I wrote:
“What does that mean?” Burned him up?”
She replied, “Yeah, I saw that some woman was sending him flirty text messages. So, after he went to sleep, I made a pot of oatmeal and waited for it to boil. Then I poured it all over him while he was asleep. Second-degree burns!”
She laughed, retelling the story casually as if she was talking about picking up his dry cleaning. No remorse. No angst. No shame. And, by the way, no prison time for her heinous act. I could no longer eat, unable to stomach the sight of her.
Had the roles been reversed—had Kyle done the same thing to her—he would be in prison, labeled a monster, and cast away by society. But because he was a man, his suffering was brushed off, even treated as a joke. This is why men don’t report abuse. She may be the primary reason why I am a supporter of the Doubtfire Project. I, unlike many, learned about women abusers of men firsthand from an abuser. So why don’t more men report that they have been victims?
The Barriers to Speaking Out
1. The Stigma of Masculinity
From a young age, boys are taught to be “tough” and “strong.” They are told not to cry, not to show weakness, and to “man up” when facing difficulties. This conditioning extends into adulthood, making it incredibly difficult for men to admit they are victims of abuse.
Many fear being seen as less of a man if they acknowledge that their partner is hurting them. Society has ingrained the belief that a “real man” should be able to protect himself, which creates a toxic cycle of silence and shame for those experiencing abuse.
2. The Fear of Not Being Believed
One of the biggest reasons men don’t report abuse is the fear of being dismissed or mocked. When a man tells someone he is being abused—especially by a female partner—the response is often disbelief.
Statements like:
- “Are you serious? A woman can’t hurt a man!”
- “You must have done something to provoke her.”
- “Just leave if it’s that bad.”
These reactions invalidate a man’s experience and reinforce the idea that his suffering isn’t real.
The Truth About Male Domestic Violence Survivors: The Numbers Tell the Story
The statistics surrounding domestic violence against men highlight the hidden reality of abuse:
- According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), 1 in 4 men will experience some form of intimate partner violence in their lifetime.
- A 2023 CDC report found that over 33% of men in the U.S. experience intimate partner violence, including stalking, physical abuse, or emotional coercion.
- Studies indicate that only 10% of male victims ever report their abuse, meaning the real numbers are likely much higher than what is documented.
Why This Needs to Change
The first step in breaking the silence is recognizing that abuse is abuse—regardless of gender. We need to:
- Challenge outdated ideas of masculinity that discourage men from seeking help.
- Reform the legal system to ensure that male victims are protected and that false accusations are taken seriously.
- Expand support services for men, including shelters, counseling services, and hotlines.
- End the double standard that treats male victims as a joke while condemning male perpetrators.
People may look at me, a woman, and label me a traitor for supporting men. I would reply, “Why would anyone stand still at the suffering of another person, regardless of gender. And just as I stand for the end of abuse against women and children, I believe we must complete the circle to include men. At The Doubtfire Project, we are committed to giving men the resources and support they need to escape abusive situations and rebuild their lives.
If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, you are NOT alone. Visit The Doubtfire Project today to access resources, connect with a supportive community, and start your journey toward healing.
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